Half-hearted.

The other night my five-year-old nephew and I built a fort that we could sleep in for the night. We gathered blankets, pillows, and sheets and arranged them in an adequate fashion.
I tucked my nephew into bed, read him a story, told him I’d be there later, and kissed him goodnight.

When I returned I found him being a total fort hog, lying right in the middle! I moved him around and he awoke.
“You comfy?” I asked
“Yup. I love this fort Aunty.”
“Haha great, I am going to tell you about this when you are my age. Good night darling.” I kissed him again and he instantly fell asleep.

As I watched him in the low light, I began to weep.
            Not just from my eyes, from my heart.

I wept for two reasons.
Firstly, I was sad because I saw the pair of us lying safely under the fort, and realised we were two generations of fatherless children.

When I was three my father left and I’ve seen him since, but I do not consider him my dad. More of an acquaintance. Or a far-away cousin, who you don’t really know but you send them a Christmas card just out of courtesy.
My nephew was born out of wedlock, and my sister is no longer with the guy. He’s okay I guess, but he doesn't offer the relationship of a close and present father.
I cried because I understood that my nephew would grow up with only half an identity, half a heart.
             Like me.

Secondly, I cried because I felt the presence of Jesus.
I prayed and asked that my nephew would grow up knowing a father. A real dad for him to play with, and ask questions, and who would love my sister.
And for a heavenly Father, who would love him unconditionally forever.

Luckily I have both of these fathers.
Tonga, a guy from my church, has most definitely taken on the father-figure role in my life. I don’t think it was ever intended but it just happened. And it’s beautiful.
I know in Tonga I find trust, safety, and love, and I don’t find abuse, abandonment, or judgement.
Sadly my mother never remarried, but gladly Tonga came along. And I am so grateful.
I’ve also always had a relationship with God.
He’s revealed His love, confidence, beauty, heart, and magnificence to me over the years. This is a Father who I am certain will never walk away.

So Jesus, thank you that you have provided me with two wonderful fathers who know and love me. I pray my precious nephew experiences the same. May I always listen to his pain, understand it, and carry a little piece of it with me. Thank you for your provision. Amen.

My darling nephew stirred once more, as I stroked his hair. I said, “You are so special baby.”
“I know.” He replied.
“May you always know that…”
As I went to sleep in our fort, his tiny arms wrapped around me, my pillow still soggy from tears, I felt like the luckiest Aunty in the world.

Yahweh, the Lord Almighty, Wonderful Redeemer, God, Father to the Fatherless…

With grace and peace,
La x.